Life and faith

I grown up in the family full of love and happiness. I have 4 brothers who are always there for me, 2 elder sisters thats so kind and caring and 2 youngest sisters that always make me feel needed all the time. No doubt at this age, when all of us have grown up and have our own life, we do have misunderstandings once in a while or arguments, but when it come to making decision that related to the family matters, we are together. We put our differences aside. Of course we are free to say our views and opinions, we make the decision what is the best together. My mum and dad taught all of us to respect our eldest especially our brothers in whatever situation. All of us play our own roles. We don't really care who contributed most to the family. Who has more insight, time, money and think that you can do more than others, go ahead and the rest will acknowledge it accordingly. The question of "why it always me to do this" never arise because everyone know their responsibilities to the family. I guess my dad taught me well. I don't look back. Pass is pass. I always looking forward to the future. The only thing that I look back is to learn from the pass mistake so that there will be no same mistake. The only thing lacking in the teaching from my mom was how to find a good husband or wife I guess. All these we need to learn ourself and decide. My beloved mun and dad used to say, "we don't really care who you choose to be your husband or wife, as long as you feel that he or she is the best for you. We also don't care what colour or what race or from which state as long as he or she is a good muslim and can lead you". Kamu yang nak melayarkan bahtera, carilah nakhoda yang sesuai agar tidak tenggelam di kemudian hari. Well, there is a truth in it.

Most of us have our dream girl or guy to be our our lifelong partner. We normally will set a fairly high standard of a person that we want to be with. That's normal because we should love ourself more and give ourself a almost perfect man or girl in many ways. I think this is very important because if you set so low standard, it is easily achievable and you wont be happy. You have to value yourself and of course, you deserve a better person. Life partners is for lifelong. Most of us wanted the best for ourself because we value ourself very high and we should. But, in many circumstances, we cannot get 100% perfection of our choice. We fail to find someone that can fulfill all the criterias that we have set, 85% achievement will be fine. Even with this, occasionally after we make our commitment, we still fail. The life partner become a short one. The failure of making this important choice could have happened due to wrong assessment and judgement, too short time to evaluate the character of a person, changes that occur after being influenced by people around them. No matter how careful you make that choice, occasionally many people fail but of course the percentage of failure will be low compared to those who couldn't care less to make a choice. Probably the choice that we have made at that particular time was the best for us, but after so many years, we realized that the choice was a wrong choice. As muslim we have to believe in takdir. Ketentuan tuhan. God advice us to use our wise judgement to lead our life and follow the right patch. There are two words that we have to remember "tadbir and takdir". We tadbir our life according to our wisdom, intellegent, knowledge and experience but we have to accept "takdir" that determined by almighty GOD, Allah SWT. When we know this, than timbul lah perkataan "redha" if anything happen along the way, not the way you want it to be, we have to accept it with an open heart because we know GOD knows what is the best for you. You can get back to HIM and ask for HIS forgiveness and guidance because HE is always there for you. Occasionally, some people do say that they "redha" on what had happened to them but their action showed a different things where they developed "dendam dan prasangka dan lain-lain perasaan yang negatif". Kita perlu mengajar diri kita supaya lebih banyak bersabar kerana sebagai insan kita hanya merancang dengan kemas which is "tadbir" tetapi yang menentukan adalah tuhan yang maha pengasih lagi penyayang which is "takdir". Just think about it........

Unexpected injury - you can't really predict it.

We know injury or accident can happen to anyone at any time. You can't predict it unless you are intended to harm yourself. It happened to me last weekend on Saturday. It was a terrible accident. My routine during weekend is to bathe my dad because my elder sister has done those duties during week day. Normally my husband will help me to bathe him and I will prepare breakfast for everyone. Last Saturday morning, the day that we were going to have 40 days kenduri tahlil for my beloved mum, at 9am to be exact, my maid and I carried him to the wheelchair and I pushed him to the bathroom. It took me a little bit longer because my Dad decided to pass motion. I waited. After that I cleaned him up. When everything completed, I wheeled him out to the room, dried him with towel and my maid put powder on his body. What I normally do, I will make sure that the water dripping from the wheelchair to be wiped by my maid but that morning I didn't remember to ask my maid to do it. She offered herself to carry my Dad to another wheelchair to put his pampers but I said I could do it myself like I always did. When I just about to transfer him to the other wheelchair I could feel that my left leg slipped to the side which I couldn't control it anymore. Of course, I could not let my dad go, it will be disaster if I did so, so slowly both of us fall down and my dad fall on me without injury except he sustained a small laceration on his right hand. I experienced severe pain in my left knee followed by a click. I screamed my lungs out until I waken up everyone in the house. I was crying due to the severe pain and also due to the frustration and carelessness that I have done. I was in severe pain and my Dad was beside me trying to calm me down. Massaging my knee. His action even make me so sad. My maid called my sister Dek Anor to help to lift up my dad to the wheelchair. I tried to stand up but my knee was giving away and I fall again. I was panic. I stood up again but the same thing happen. Ohhh no!!! I am doom. I couldn't walk. I never given up and I tried again but again I almost fall down. My sister had to get me a wheelchair. a wheelchair that my late mother sit and had her last breath. That situation really make me sad and I cried non stop. My left knee was swollen. My sister advise me to go to the hospital for check-up.

My daughter, Ana drove me to the ED Hospital Serdang. For the first time, I have to allow her to drive and surprisingly she drove well and very careful, full of tension, I guess. On the way to the hospital, I called the orthopedic surgeon on-call, Mr. Maher and asked for his help to assess the injury that I had to my knee.

In ED, they did a good job. Dr.Fahmi, my former HO was there and wheeled me to the observation cubicle. Thanks to all the staffs in ED that attended to me on that day. Everything went smoothly. Well, I was a good patient too. Mr. Maher came and examined my knee. I was suspected to have ACL injury. I still remember my orthopedic knowledge and I know ACL injury was pretty serious. I still hoping that it won't be so serious. Now, I am an OKU, partially. I hope it wont be long. I need to go to work. I am bored. Mungkin ada hikmahnya juga,.....................always look at it positively.

Now I partially dependent on people. I feel everything is so slow. Ana and Iya have to take care of me now temporarily. I still can do many things but my movement is so limited because I need to use wheelchair in the house. I use crutches sometimes but too tiring. Give me a shoulder pain. Huge bandage on my left knee. Tomorrow is the F/U in the clinic. I hope this bandage can be removed.......counting the days...

Ana and Iya - pearls of my eyes

The end of this year girls, you are going to be 20 years old. Time really fly and I didn't realize that you are grown up women. Since nenek left us, Ibu feel so empty and lonely. If ayah didn't come back, my life even more miserable. Ibu keep hoping that both of you will be staying home because I feel so lonely in this big house. When you are around at least I can make myself busy for you. Ibu is very lucky because adik is travelling from home to college. I see adik everyday and we watch spongebob square pants every night. Ibu don't want to force you Iya to travel with me because your lectures start at 8 o'clock in the morning. I need one hour to dress up and I will make you late to attend your lecture. But Ibu will learn to dress up faster so that we can travel together in the morning to work. I am very happy to have both of you around me all the time. Anyway, Ibu are very grateful to both of you for always being there for me. I guess you cannot run away from me either. We need each other right. When you were born, nenek advised Ibu to keep your umbilical cords in a safe place the way she did for the rest of her children including my umbilical cord. She said the reason for it was, wherever your children go, they will be close to you and they wont go far away. That advice was from your great grandmother to nenek. I guess, looking retrospectively, untill her last breath, at the age of 87, all of her children were always with her, at least every weekend. The morale of the story is, Ibu will keep your umbilical cords safe in my bag so that both of you won't go so far..... InsyaAllah. Frankly speaking, I think the umbilical cord story is just a taboo. The most important thing is, you yourself. All of us have taught you and brought you up in the very best manner that we could. Ibu doakan both of you successful in you future undertaking and make the family proud of you.

Do you still remember your 18th birthday? Ibu wrote a poem for both of you and I was crying when I read it to all the guests. Emotional pulak masa tu. Anyway, the guests were your brothers, sisters, aunties, uncles and of course nenek and atuk were presence as well. ibu would like to put it here so that you can read from time to time and share with others too.

Nukilan untuk Ana dan Iya dari Ibu

23 november 91 mengimbau kembali

Rentetan sejarah tercatit kini

Gelaran ibu anugerah ilahi

Puteri nan kembar bak bidadari

Lahirmu penuh tanda tanya

Kehadiran dua mu tidak diduga

sayup suara tangisan pertama

Bahagia ibu yang gundah gulana

Hadirmu berdua membawa cahaya

Mengisi kesunyian jiwa yang lara

Syukurnya ibu tiada tolaknya

Hendak ku tangis tiada suara

Syukurnya nenda mu bukan kepalang

Keraguan di hati segera hilang

Sangkakan satu dua yang datang

Pemecah tradisi si anak minang

Putih kulitmu bak telur dikupas

Keayuan wajahmu pandang tak puas

Bisikan azan di telinga dilafaz

Moga awalan mu tak tercemar balas

Kaulah permata buah hati ibu

Dirimu dibelai umpama ratu

Kasihnya ibu tiada sekutu

Mendidik dirimu tak kenal jemu

Amanah tuhan semesta alam

Keatas ibu siang dan malam

Kasihku baja sayang ku siram

Moga jiwamu tak di intai kelam

Anakanda berdua belaian jiwa

Nasihat ibu bukan bersahaja

Datang dari cebisan rasa

Berlandaskan fakta serta agama

Pastikan dulu arah tujumu

Tanamkan azam tekad di kalbu

Kekuatan dan keyakinan sudah bersatu

Gelombang yang datang gentar teraju

Dengarlah sayang ibu berkata

Di atas tinta curahan rasa

Hati keruan berdebar dada

Risau nasib mu di hari muka

18 tahun cabaran usia

Pancaroba datang tak kira ketika

Jangan kamu lalai dan juga alpa

Moga remaja mu mekar berwarna

Dewasa kamu gelisah menanti

Bimbang bencana menerjah diri

Doa ku pohon tiada henti

Jangan maruah dipandang sepi

Wahai puteri ku cahaya mata

Selami keluhan hati ibunda

Nasihat ibu pantang didusta

Kelak dirimu akan kecewa

Sekian kali mendengar bicara

Kepercayaan ibu jangan di noda

Jauhi sikap tipu dan dusta

Sejahtera hidupmu dimaya pada

Berdiam diri bukannya sudi

Gerak langkahmu ku kawal rapi

Dosa dan noda jangan dicari

Binasa hidupmu membakar diri

Andai kau tewas tanpa diduga

Hancur hati ku penawar tiada

Kemaafan ibu usah dipinta

Umpama tenggelam timbul tiada

Pabila ibu anakanda khianati

Kesan nya dasyat tidak terperi

Akan ku tutup hati nurani

Derita ku bawa sampai ke mati

Berperi ibu bukannya benci

Menyiksa dirimu jauh sekali

Harapan hati menggunung tinggi

Matang berfikir jangan bermimpi

Sayang pada mu tidak terperi

Sanggup ku gadai nyawa dan diri

Sabarnya ibu terbatas tepi

Berputih mata rela kau pergi

Ana dan Iya buah hati ku

Pada mu berdua ibu berseru

Cekerawala batasan ilmu

Terokai ia jangan kau jemu

Taburlah bakti sepenuh jiwa

Untuk agama, bangsa dan negara

Jangan balasan diharap pinta

Syurgawi pasti buatmu di sana

Noktah kehidupan sudahlah pasti

Ayah dan ibu mu tidak terkecuali

Saat dan ketika mengundur diri

Airmata dibuang jangan sekali

Perjuangan mu anak ku belum berakhir

Pemergian ibu memang di takdir

Panjatkan selalu doa dan zikir

Mudah urusanku penangan bibir

Tinta keturunan pantang digadai

Bak pantai indah dilanda badai

Bergegar bumi ikatan terlerai

Salasiah nendamu pastikan bersemai

Indah namamu manja bak puitis

Mewarnai maya umpama perintis

Harapan Ibunda kaulah waris

Penyambung warisan minda yang arif

Lanjut usia mu doa di pinta

Bahagia hidup mu lindungan Esa

Anakanda berdua belaian jiwa

Berjuanglah kamu bagai satria

Duhai puteri ku tambatan sukma

Pesanan ibu jadikan pusaka

Kemenangan dijulang sedetik masa

Namamu dikenang selama lama

Berakhir sudah gurindam rasa

Cetusan hati ayah dan bonda

Buat pedoman anakanda berdua

Untuk menempuh alam dewasa

Budi dan sanjungan

When we are talking about "budi", all of us experienced it. Many people play an important role in our life and make us the way we are today. Kita terhutang budi kepada ibubapa, ahli keluarga, kawan-kawan, guru-guru dan lain-lain in many ways. I guess we cannot run away from receiving "budi" from people who really care about us. The question that I used to ask myself is whether can I repay back all the persons "yang telah berbudi" to me. Well, I guess I can in certain extend but not all. I remember one Malay proverb mentioned about "budi", "hutang emas boleh dibayar, hutang budi dibawa mati". I completely agree with this proverb because I feel that you will never be able to repay someone who has "berbudi" to you be it in the form of monetary, success or any form of repayment. I would like to tell you a story of one of my friend who was in great trouble. He needed RM2000 to pay his dept to a company within 2 days. If he failed to do so, his property will be taken away. At that time, he didn't have that amount of money. He kept asking around tried to borrow money from his friends and relatives but none of them could helped him. He only has one more day to find the money. Suddenly, he approached me. He had to put his ego and pride aside and asked me whether I could lend him the money. I felt sorry for him and straight away I said yes to his request. Furthermore, I have extra money that month. He promised to pay me back once he gets his salary in the following month. My other friends felt that I shouldn't have given the money to him because they thought that he won't be able to pay me back. Well, at that time I felt that I have to help him because I have the extra money. Sincerely I gave him the money and he thanked me many times. To cut the story short, the following month, he came to me and paid me back the whole amount. Before he left my office he said, "thank you very much, now I tak hutang you apa-apa, zero zero, OK". I looked at him and smiled. Is it true that he didn't owe me anything? Yes, in term of money because he already paid me back, but no if we are talking about "budi". No doubt that I got back my money but if I didn't give him the money in the first place when he was in trouble, probably his property would be gone by now. My sincere heart with God willing make that move to loan him the money despite the negative advice from my other friends. Can he pay back my sincerity in helping him when others rejected him? I think he can't. That's why I do agree with the above Malay proverb. "hutang budi dibawa mati". No such a thing as zero zero. Agree? Think about it..............

Some people when they do good things they want to be known. Suka disanjung-sanjung. I still remember my dearest Dad used to say to us all," sekiranya seseorang itu suka disanjung sanjung, itu adalah tanda orang yang tak beriman". So, kita janganlah suka di sanjung sanjung kerana ia akan menjadikan kita seorang yang angkuh dan sombong. I remembered one retro song, sang by Hermantino. Really an old song. I don't think youngsters know it. I heard the song on my way to work on the radio. The lyrics were so beautiful. It says.........

"tangan kanan memberi, sorokkan tangan kiri", "derma bukan tontonan, lakukan seikhlas hati"

"harta bukan milik mu, milik mu hanya rezeki","terkurang himpun lagi, terlebih memberilah"

"begitulah ajaran Nya, fikir-fikirlah sendiri". Kita mestilah selalu muasabah diri kita and try to make ourself better from time to time, follow the right track. Whatever we do, do it with sincerity and don't ask for something in return. Semoga Allah berkati kita di dunia dan di akhirat sana. InsyaAllah..

My beloved Mum - Missing you so much

I have not been able to write anything in my blog for almost a month. I just don't have the mood. Trying to get the strength and pull myself together. Too many sad things had happened to me and my family. Many people said that the year of rabbit will bring you happiness and prosperity. However, it is the other way round. Year 2011 is not a good beginning for me. Too much to contain at the very short period of time. Early of this year, my good friend that I have known her for almost 11 years has betrayed me and make me so distress and very sad. I just couldn't believe it myself. My eldest son, after all these years, for all the things that both of us went through, many things that I have taught him to be a better person with vision, having a meaningful life, more mature in attitude and decision making as well as in thinking process, at the end he disappointed me in many ways. I don't blame him for that because I know, it is not easy to change unless you really wanted it badly. His action was predictable and it didn't surprise me at all. I hope he will sit down, open his mind and think what best for him. As mother, I only can pray for his happiness and safety. Since the year 2011 came to say hello, I went through a tough time but still managed to continue my day as usual unnoticeable of the heart ache that I have to bear. I have no more energy to think of anything else. HOs in my department are giving me headache everyday. To make thing worse, the final blow to my sadness was I lost the women that I love so much, my dearest mum on the 12/2/2011 at 10.30am about 30 days ago. It happened so sudden and too fast. Split second I was alone. She took away my life and my strength with her. I couldn't think properly. I was so weak and helpless. I cried most of the time. I have no mood to go to work or do anything at all. I felt the whole me was empty. I walked around like a zombie. I became very forgetful. I just follow my heart. My mum death really affect me so deep to extend that I felt suffocated. I didn't feel the presence of other people around me. Even though I have my family and children and yet I felt so lonely and aimless. I saw my mum everywhere in the house. I felt her presence. I saw her sitting on the chair in front of the house like she used to do. Watched me from far off to work and looked at me while I drove away with my car . She smile and commented on the dress that I wore everyday. In the evening, she was sitting on the sofa when I came back from work. These memories will make me cry. I heard her voice and I heard her coughing in her room. I couldn't bear to open her room. It is too painful.

On the day my mum was gone, my brothers and sisters came back to give their last respect to her except abang Madin because he was on his way to Barcelona. We performed 7 days prayer and tahlil for her. Many family friends and relatives came to help in the kenduri. After one week, everyone was gone except my family and my youngest sister Dek Anor. Everyday my daughters went to visit their grandmother's grave. Yes, it it hard. For the first few weeks since she left me, I was struggling to pull myself up. Feeling of emptiness was pulling me down. I thought when I am looking after my mum all these years and be with her all the time, I will be satisfied with the time that I spent with her. Quarreled with her sometimes if she forgot to take her medicines which I regretted. But it was too late now. I do know that one day I have to face the fact that she will leave me, it is just a matter of time but not so soon. I thought I won't be so devastated when she left me. But I was wrong. I took it very badly compared to my other siblings. They didn't see her everyday. I did. She is gone now and left me when I still needed her. I remember that a day before my mum passed away, I spoke to my elder sister, Kak Pucu that I wanted to get another maid to take care of her and my dad because I felt that one maid wasn't enough to take care of two handicapped parents. However, she left me before I could do anything. Furthermore, that morning on the day my mum passed away, my sister and I were getting ready to bring her to the hospital because she became more breathless but it was too late. I was with her till her last breath. My sister was shouting and crying demanding me to do something for her. At that time I felt that I was such a useless doctor who didn't know what to do. I was like crazy doctor running around tried to find something to help her to breath but at the end I just hold her and cried. My maid was with her all the time. I felt my heart stopped beating. She went off peacefully. It has been almost one month she was gone, I still haven't been myself yet 100%. Still trying to cope with the fact that there will be no more women called mum to be with me at all times. I keep telling myself that it is fact of life. I have to go to work. I have to teach the medical students. Life have to go on. I can say that I am lucky to have a husband taht loves me very much and daughters that supported me to go through this terrible and hard time. My two sons Aiman and Hanif were always there for me during this difficult time. My other son, I don't know where he is, uncontactable and no news from him. My nieces and nephews are wonderful and very understanding on the situation that I have to go through in my life. They come back to visit me more frequent. What I intent to do from now is, to pray for her everyday and take care of my beloved Dad. "Semoga Allah yang Esa permudahkan perjalanan emak di sana dan semoga diampunkan segala dosa". Amin. Anak mu akan tetap merindui mu sampai ke akhir hayat.