My beloved Mum - Missing you so much

I have not been able to write anything in my blog for almost a month. I just don't have the mood. Trying to get the strength and pull myself together. Too many sad things had happened to me and my family. Many people said that the year of rabbit will bring you happiness and prosperity. However, it is the other way round. Year 2011 is not a good beginning for me. Too much to contain at the very short period of time. Early of this year, my good friend that I have known her for almost 11 years has betrayed me and make me so distress and very sad. I just couldn't believe it myself. My eldest son, after all these years, for all the things that both of us went through, many things that I have taught him to be a better person with vision, having a meaningful life, more mature in attitude and decision making as well as in thinking process, at the end he disappointed me in many ways. I don't blame him for that because I know, it is not easy to change unless you really wanted it badly. His action was predictable and it didn't surprise me at all. I hope he will sit down, open his mind and think what best for him. As mother, I only can pray for his happiness and safety. Since the year 2011 came to say hello, I went through a tough time but still managed to continue my day as usual unnoticeable of the heart ache that I have to bear. I have no more energy to think of anything else. HOs in my department are giving me headache everyday. To make thing worse, the final blow to my sadness was I lost the women that I love so much, my dearest mum on the 12/2/2011 at 10.30am about 30 days ago. It happened so sudden and too fast. Split second I was alone. She took away my life and my strength with her. I couldn't think properly. I was so weak and helpless. I cried most of the time. I have no mood to go to work or do anything at all. I felt the whole me was empty. I walked around like a zombie. I became very forgetful. I just follow my heart. My mum death really affect me so deep to extend that I felt suffocated. I didn't feel the presence of other people around me. Even though I have my family and children and yet I felt so lonely and aimless. I saw my mum everywhere in the house. I felt her presence. I saw her sitting on the chair in front of the house like she used to do. Watched me from far off to work and looked at me while I drove away with my car . She smile and commented on the dress that I wore everyday. In the evening, she was sitting on the sofa when I came back from work. These memories will make me cry. I heard her voice and I heard her coughing in her room. I couldn't bear to open her room. It is too painful.

On the day my mum was gone, my brothers and sisters came back to give their last respect to her except abang Madin because he was on his way to Barcelona. We performed 7 days prayer and tahlil for her. Many family friends and relatives came to help in the kenduri. After one week, everyone was gone except my family and my youngest sister Dek Anor. Everyday my daughters went to visit their grandmother's grave. Yes, it it hard. For the first few weeks since she left me, I was struggling to pull myself up. Feeling of emptiness was pulling me down. I thought when I am looking after my mum all these years and be with her all the time, I will be satisfied with the time that I spent with her. Quarreled with her sometimes if she forgot to take her medicines which I regretted. But it was too late now. I do know that one day I have to face the fact that she will leave me, it is just a matter of time but not so soon. I thought I won't be so devastated when she left me. But I was wrong. I took it very badly compared to my other siblings. They didn't see her everyday. I did. She is gone now and left me when I still needed her. I remember that a day before my mum passed away, I spoke to my elder sister, Kak Pucu that I wanted to get another maid to take care of her and my dad because I felt that one maid wasn't enough to take care of two handicapped parents. However, she left me before I could do anything. Furthermore, that morning on the day my mum passed away, my sister and I were getting ready to bring her to the hospital because she became more breathless but it was too late. I was with her till her last breath. My sister was shouting and crying demanding me to do something for her. At that time I felt that I was such a useless doctor who didn't know what to do. I was like crazy doctor running around tried to find something to help her to breath but at the end I just hold her and cried. My maid was with her all the time. I felt my heart stopped beating. She went off peacefully. It has been almost one month she was gone, I still haven't been myself yet 100%. Still trying to cope with the fact that there will be no more women called mum to be with me at all times. I keep telling myself that it is fact of life. I have to go to work. I have to teach the medical students. Life have to go on. I can say that I am lucky to have a husband taht loves me very much and daughters that supported me to go through this terrible and hard time. My two sons Aiman and Hanif were always there for me during this difficult time. My other son, I don't know where he is, uncontactable and no news from him. My nieces and nephews are wonderful and very understanding on the situation that I have to go through in my life. They come back to visit me more frequent. What I intent to do from now is, to pray for her everyday and take care of my beloved Dad. "Semoga Allah yang Esa permudahkan perjalanan emak di sana dan semoga diampunkan segala dosa". Amin. Anak mu akan tetap merindui mu sampai ke akhir hayat.